Relationship Repair Comes from Changing our Internal Beliefs and Responses.
What I am finding in my work is the premise that what we have learned and seen in our family systems has not prepared us with a set of skills and the actual vocabulary to transparently express our feelings and emotions in a way that satisfies our need for love, intimacy, trust, belonging, safety, transparency and true contentedness. We need this if we are going to connect with others in a healthy and organic way.
Why? Because, like me, most people were likely raised in a home that promoted the denial of feelings and emotions as a way to soldier on towards a model of success we learned from society and family..
We likely have learned the skills of Martyrdom, (just take it and praise and honor yourself for being able to take it, as a way to reach the goals you set for yourself). We can get to a successful place in Martyrdom but at what price?
When we reach our goals through denying our feelings and emotions we often create a reality that is comfortable and safe yet not satisfying . We often find we have the material trappings of success; a beautiful home, luxury car, status clothes and accessories, the ability to maintain outward beauty and finely educate our children but once there, feel a deep emptiness and levels of dis-satisfaction within ourselves with no language skills to adequately express this dissatisfaction. This leaves us feeling unheard invisible, without passion and the inner conflict of, “I have everything, why does it feel I don't have enough?
It feels like not-enoughness because we have forgotten the main ingredient of a satisfying worthwhile existence... the ability to love ourselves. We cannot love ourselves if we are in denial of or unable to express our true feelings. We cannot love others until we learn how to love ourselves.
When we have the courage to look within ourselves for what is missing instead of adding to our list of luxuries as an immediate gratification solution, we find a level of inner-contentedness, strength in vulnerability and true belonging and love in the world. .
Pema Chodron says,“The most fundamental aggression to ourselves, the most fundamental harm we can do to ourselves, is to remain ignorant by not having the courage and the respect to look within ourselves honestly and gently”.
It is with this process of looking within that we find the very elements of our nature and life itself we are so sorely missing in this moment. It is by looking within ourselves that we fill the voids we are experiencing. Attempting to fill these voids in a material way will only provide temporary soothing.
Our focus on immediate gratification eliminates our success at reaching the long term investment in ourselves we are yearning for that brings us true contentment, belonging, transparency, value in our relationships, and lasting connectedness to the ones we love.
How can you get there? One way is to ask yourself, “If I truly and deeply loved myself, would I allow this experience to be happening?
Our Feelings of disappointment: embarrassment, irritation, resentment, anger, jealousy, fear, martyrdom, and disconnect, instead of being bad news, instead of being something we believe we gain power from, are actually very clear moments that teach us where it is that we are being held back. If we can change our perspective about these feelings, we can lean in and allow these moments to perk us up and teach us what we need to know by resolving and re-aligning, within ourselves, the beliefs, values and truths we hold that are robbing us of the very elements and connections we so desperately long for in our lives.
How do we accomplish this? When we feel we would rather collapse, back away or deny an experience, we can make a different choice by stopping and paying attention, challenging (ourselves to have the courage to see something other than what we think is happening), and choose the responses and actions that provide a better outcome then the default behavior that we believe is keeping us safe and in control.
Most of us do not take these situations as teachings. We automatically hate them. We run like crazy and use all kinds of ways to escape.
Alternatively, in these moments, we can accept our inner-responses and behavior as well as the responses and behavior of others as a mirror and opportunity to explore the deeply rooted inner-conflicts we are having.
This process starts with learning the language that precipitates the development and expansion of our emotions and feelings.
There are phrases we can learn to help us decipher what is happening in ourselves that causes us to resent, run from, hate and create stories about others and ourselves that make it easier for us to disconnect and forget rather than connect, observe, analyze and grow.
Here are a few examples.
Instead of assuming or believing that what we think is the only possibility often leading us to a less desirable outcome , we can ask ourselves or others...
1. How did you get to that?
2. Can you talk to me more about that?
3. Am I allowing myself to see all possibilities or just the ones I have created that allow me to remain stuck, be right and not have to change and grow?
When we do not take the time or accept the responsibility and accountability to change, evolve and expand our current beliefs and to ask for clarity, we are allowing ourselves to remain stuck in the inner-conflicts that only offer us recurring emotional pain. Life is hard. The Beauty is we get to choose our Hard.
It's hard to change our beliefs and re-align with what is now true and it's hard to stay the same.
The hardness of staying the same means we will always experience the components within ourselves that create our hard .
The hard of changing means we get to evolve beyond the current beliefs we hold that cause our suffering which , over time, removes all of the” Hard’, and replaces it with ease, faith, acceptance, unlimited happiness, love, joy , abundance and connection .
Would you like to speak with me?
Feel free to schedule a free Find Your Clarity Call with me here: I am here to serve you
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