What has being a victim cost you?
Becoming victimized can make us sick. And continued victimization makes us even sicker. Among other things we become people pleasers to avoid conflict and suffering. We can begin to depend on the help of others to prove to ourselves we are lovable. If they support me, help me then I am safe, valuable, lovable and worthy. When we do this we are giving away our power to help, love, value and support ourselves. We start to change the way we believe about ourselves and how we fit in the world. We may start to react in the world from a place of defending ourselves even with friends and family. Our feelings from this inward struggle narrow our focus where we may try a little less hard and become okay with our less than full effort. But we know we could do better. And we feel shame about that.
We feel somewhat distanced from the people around us emotionally. And we try to fake it so that they can't notice. Or if they notice, they don't say anything because it never comes up in conversation. Except for the occasional, are you okay? In which, a yes, of course reply immediately changes the conversation.
And then we, the traumatized ones, start feeling more and more distant, and more and more alone although we are living around families and friends. We feel invisible. And we don't know how to talk about it. So we hide our feelings. Or should I say we hide our anxiety about not identifying our true feelings. Which then turns into shame, blame and resentment where there is anger hidden underneath; beneath the surface of that continuous people pleasing smile, there's anger. We aren't able to confront it yet perhaps because we are afraid to confront it. But that's, what's there. And as long as we are in anger about what somebody else did to us, we cannot be in a place where we can see our own part in it, the role that we played, because everything's a two way street.
Pain is a sign we need to pay attention to something inside ourselves. This anger, whether passive or aggressive is also a sign for us of something we need to pay attention to. The anger is giving us valuable information. Instead of reacting outwardly to it what if we leaned in to it?
What if we reached past the immediate anger and defensiveness of the moment and instead of reacting outwardly, looked within at this clue to examine what the real internal cause of it is?
Imagine for a moment you are your future self, Here, you are safe, confident,peaceful, supported and connected. You can easily identify all of your feelings and a broader perspective of who you are, how you fit in the world and what you believe.
What does your future self say to you now about the deep seated anger that is now influencing your life and relationships?
What is the source of it? When is the first time you noticed yourself feeling or behaving this way?
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